Why is it that I get so frustrated when someone does not understand me? I have tried numerous times in the past to explain who I am, but I always knew that the only way to understand me is through consistency and time. I guess I am impatient and I want to build that bridge quickly without proper planning and survey. There is a gaping hole within me that I keep desperately trying to fill. A hole the started small when I was a child and grew and grew till it consumed me. Now at 34 years old, it’s starting to feel hopeless, but I just realized that its like raid leading. If we continue to wipe attempt after attempt because we aren’t changing our strategy, why would I expect the outcome to be different? Maybe I am too stubborn, or maybe I was just too prideful, but both can be true at the same time as well. I caught glimpses of different strategies to mend the hole in my 20s, but somehow I thought that going at it the way I have been doing so would just work. It was comfortable. And maybe I was also too much of a coward to actually do the thing, the inner work, to properly confront this unending abyss deep in my chest. Hoping someone else could help and lead me to an escape. But in doing so, I hurt many other people and it definitely does not feel like something I should or would want to keep doing. Yes, these relationships probably weren’t going to work out or be sustainable at all, but morphing into toxic cycles, rinse and repeat. But I am ashamed of that. I need to change that. Its a habit and habits can be broken. Being aware of what was going on and continuing to turn a blind eye to the actions I chose to do, or another realization, I was aware, but did not know what to do with that awareness. Yeah, that is pretty shitty of me. So let’s start truthfully now. It is better to start than never even attempt at all.
Hoping for the best,
Carmina
Hello, Carmina. 
Leave a comment