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What is something that you have a hard time being honest about, even to those you trust the most? Why?

I am not honest with myself or with others, when I am actively hurting. It really makes sense that my choice of pet are rabbits, since they are silent and don’t make obvious signs when they are in pain. I try to suffer in silence since I know everyone else has things on their plate and I should just figure it out on my own. However, I think the past two years have been tremendous in my journey of being honest with myself and others when I am in the process of being hurt or in pain. It’s definitely part of bottling things up till the pressure cracks the glass and I’ve seen how extreme I can become when past my limit. Also, a great eruption happened just one and a half weeks ago. My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me and I also lost my housing in the process since I was staying with him and his parents. I have been feeling so depressed since I moved away from my parents, to start my own life, but I needed to push myself. I’m grateful to my ex for helping me move and his family for housing me, but I never got out of survival mode. Everyday I was on edge because it did not feel like I was doing enough and it ate away at me. Then there was the feeling of constantly having to move and I wish I just had someone to lean on or hug me. It was difficult to schedule time with my closest girlfriends since I was tired from a warehouse job or every weekend was an event my ex wanted to go to. Then just not having energy at all, I felt constantly drained. I wanted the relationship to work but I knew as I spent more time with my ex that we just weren’t compatible and our triggers fed off one another. Plus during the relationship, I didn’t know that a certain thing that he did, really broke me and made me insecure to the point that my body rejected intimacy. Like how could I ignore and deny all the obvious signs my body was sending to me and to him. The truth remains, I was hurting, but I was in denial. He never heard me cry every night because he was already asleep or just not around me. He stopped trying to be close to me because my body moved away from his touch. Like damn, I feel guilty but also I was trying to process loss and grief over my parents and former life. I know we weren’t on the same page because I honestly think we were in extremely different points of our lives, even though on paper, it was very similar. We both were at a point where we needed to focus on ourselves and our own careers, but reality was quite different. Every time I tried to voice my concerns, he would just remain silent and that made me feel like I was losing him, so what did I do? I desperately kept trying till suddenly all the energy was gone. I was defeated and it was difficult for me to be more understanding. And I bet, he wonders why couldn’t I just not care about the things I was sad and emotional about. It’s because they are things that I care about. My parents, communication, and having conversations so I could better understand someone. It felt like that bridge never was built and if the circumstances were different, maybe things wouldn’t have ended the way they did.
In writing this site, I am trying to be completely honest with myself and have an unfiltered and uneditied archive of my thoughts. Be able to process them since I’m pretty much writing it into stone. These are the steps that hopefully will help me properly grieve and move on from the painful habits and patterns that have been ongoing since I was a child.